One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
