Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
How's work?
Spinning.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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