Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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