I just pynch a tree in the face
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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