Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
