i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
