You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
