I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
