I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
