I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
