Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
