If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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