you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
