he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
