FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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