If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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