what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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