i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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