4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
