i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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