you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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