YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
