i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
