I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
