she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
