I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
