My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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