omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
