That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
