Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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