seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
