i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
