hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
