i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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