I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
