Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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