ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How does one acquire holy water?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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