I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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