Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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