I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just threw up on my dentist
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
