I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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