we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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