the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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