i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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