why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
the condom got lost in my hair
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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