Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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