even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
