when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
