i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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