I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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