Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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